Scary and deep imagination

I see things when it's dark at night or in a very dark room like black or demon-like figures. I hear things like whispers and noises nobody else can hear. I have weird dreams like going to hell or demons chasing me. When I have a knife in my hand, I want to do something with it like slice my wrist or stab somebody in the chest. I think about suicide when I see, hear, or dream about these things. Not all the time though. But especially when I have a knife in my hand. I like to think that this is just my wild imagination and that I'm not mentally crazy. That I'm not hullicinating and I need to go to some mental hospital again or that I need to be locked up in a white room with padded walls and a straight jacket. These things scare me. No wonder I'm terrified of the dark or afraid to use or even be near any sharp knives. I scare myself sometimes. One minute I'm fine but then the next I'm thinking about things I don't want to think about and it doesn't stop until somehow I snap out of it. These thoughts are not normal. God already knows that I'm not in my right mind but I'm not mentally crazy. It's awful because I'm actually scared of myself... This is not good. Not good at all.
I don't want to be here. Getting in this state of mind where part of me is frozen and thinking about things I shouldn't. Tuning out the things around me and getting in this zone where I think about... suicide. There, I said it. Yes, I am suicidal. Yes, I want to die. No, I wouldn't really hurt myself. But yes, I am suicidal. I. AM. SUICIDAL.



***Might put this in a story of some sort!***

Star-Crossed Lovers; Sneak Peek

Alexa

I was in the hospital when I first saw him. He had blue-gray eyes, brown,  short hair, kind of a crooked nose although you couldn't really notice it unless you really looked at him and studied his face, and a beautiful smile. Now I hadn't witnessed this smile firsthand but I did see him smile at a nurse and it seemed really genuine.

He was really handsome but way out of my league. He was kind of tall. Probably about 5'8. He was kind of muscular but looked kind of weak. He was really skinny too. Like he never gained any weight. He didn't have a shirt on when I walked by his room. He had a feeding tube in his stomach like I used to have when I was a baby up to the age of 5 years old. I didn't need mine anymore at the age of 5 because I was actually eating although I barely gained any weight. He looked like I did when I was 15 years old. He had to wear oxygen while I did not. I knew there were others way worse than me. I just never saw them because they all kept their doors closed.

Sorry, let me explain myself. I have Cystic Fibrosis. It's a respiratory and digestive disease. My expiration date is most likely 40 years old. While I may not be okay with that, I have somewhat come to terms with it. If that makes any sense to you. With my illness, I may never find someone to love me. That is my greatest fear. But let me tell you something. When I saw this guy who I only know his last name as Green, I fell in love spontaneously. I did not expect it at all. It just happened. Now CF patients are not to be within 6 feet of each other. So I knew this could only be a fantasy and that I would have to love from afar. But I was strangely okay with that. Maybe one day he or I would get a lung transplant and we would be able to be together. I highly doubt that at the moment with my lung function being only 25% and not eligible for a lung transplant yet. I guess a girl can dream, can't she?

Gabriel

I watched her as she walked by my room several times.She sure was able to walk fast and do a lot of laps. I wondered what her lung function was. She had beautiful long brown hair, blue eyes as blue as the ocean and a cute button nose. I knew I shouldn’t be longing to hold her hand or touch her face or kiss her lips. But tbat’s what I wanted to do. I wanted to be with her. Maybe marry her one day but that would be a day where both of us would have to have a lung transplant. I wanted to be with her but I knew I couldn’t. I needed to know her name. I didn’t even know her last name because I never got out of my room. I think I might ask a nurse what her name is. Although no one is really supposed to tell me, I think they would because I’m pretty sure they encourage us to make friends with one another. Oh my. This girl is so beautiful. As beautiful as the stars that shine in the sky at night. As beautiful as a rose right when it has bloomed. I’m being sappy I know but I can’t help myself. I’m a hopeless romantic and I am already falling in love with her. I long to be with her. Oh how I long to be with her.

Star-Crossed Lovers; Introduction

You know how you want to be with someone and you love them so much but you're not allowed to be with that person because of some ridiculous reason or rules?That's how Alexa Nicole Starr felt about Gabriel Austin Green. She knew they were destined to be with each other but would they be able to get over the fact that they both had a chronic illness and if they were to be together, they would get each other very very sick and potentially die? Would they even care if that happened? I mean if they were happy then why not just go for it? Here's the story of how a boy and a girl fall in love even though their parents and doctors are against it. Will they be able to be together without killing one another?



*****COMING SOON!!!!!*****

Top Secret: Part 1

2 years ago:
Bam! Bam! Bam! He shot at her 3 times. She ran for the door and barely made it outside by the time he shot at her again. Bam! Bam! Bam! 3 more times. She ran for her life. She ran down the street to the neighbor's house and pounded on the door.
"Open up! I need help! Help me! Please help me!" She screamed.
 Nobody answered the door. She ran around to the back and hid in the shed. She didn't think he could find her here. She heard sirens coming from down the road. Maybe she was safe. Maybe. Just maybe.

3 days later:
"Ms. Mollie? Is this him? Is this your boyfriend?" The police had her in questioning and was showing her pictures of her boyfriend. She was frozen though. She couldn't fully comprehend what it was they were asking her.
"What? What's going on?"
"Ms. Mollie, we need to know if this is your boyfriend. Is this who shot at you? Who you say abused you?"
She looked at the picture. "Yes. Yes it is."
"Can you tell us a little more about what happened? What he did to you?"
She started crying. She couldn't talk at all.
"It's okay, Ms. Mollie. Take your time."
"I can't... I don't... I don't know." She stuttered.
"Can you tell us at all what happened? We need a statement from you so we know what to do next."
"He... he... he beat me. He hit me and pushed me up against the wall and tried to... he tried to force himself on me. I didn't want it to happen. I... I... I'm sorry... I can't..." She was bawling her eyes out. She couldn't handle this. She couldn't go and relive it all over again.
"It's okay. That's enough for now. Will you be able to stay around for the next few days so we can figure this out? We'll need a little more information from you. Is that alright, Ms. Mollie?"
"Yes... My friend is coming to get me in a few days. I'll stay around until then."
"Okay. Thank you, Ms. Mollie. You can leave now."
"Thank you." She got up to go but could barely walk. She couldn't believe that this was happening to her. She needed to get out of here. She stumbled toward the door and walked out of the police station. She got into her car and started driving. She just kept driving until finally she was out of state. Where she was going, she didn't know. She just knew she had to get out of there. There was no way anyone would be able to find her.

Note to my People

Hey Everybody!
So sorry I haven't posted in over a year! Just haven't had anything good to post. I've been trying to find something that I'm interested in enough to post about. I'll find something soon! I'm in the hospital right now so I'll find some time while I'm here to figure out what I want to post about next. Post coming soon! I promise!

Love to all my  people,
Joce Nicole Green

Two different Worlds

The real world is like a dungeon. It's all dark and twisty and musty and smelly and where a lot of bad things happen and life sucks. Also where you have to pay bills, pay for gas, and go to work.

The perfect world is basically your fantasy world. Where princesses and princes exist and everything is just right in the world and maybe your life is going good.

These two worlds are so opposite of one another. They couldn't be more different. They are definitely not the same whatsoever. They have nothing in common. They are two very different worlds.

What do you think about these two worlds? What comes to mind? Do you like the real world or the perfect world (fantasy world)? Which sounds better? Which one is your mind set on?

The perfect world is where we desire to be surrounded by beauty and goodness, but we settle for control and pretense.

The so-called real world is a tight prison. Instead of growing up, we find ourselves giving up. The dungeon is like a cruel boot camp where we send our hearts to toughen them up.

If the "perfect" world is all there is, what happens when we grow too weary to pretend any longer?

If the "real" world is all there is, what will keep our hearts from dying in such an overwhelming brutal place?

In our perfect world it's a place where we can cultivate the true heart of a princess, full of dreams, wonder, delight, and joy.

The real world is crazy, broken, hard-to-understand, and disappointing.

Questions to ask yourself:
What are your wishes? What are your dreams? Which world do you like better? Which one would you rather live in?

Your unfulfilled Dream

What is your unfulfilled dream?

It could be anything. Something you've been dreaming of for a long time. Something that you really want to accomplish in life. Something that maybe nobody else has been able to do. Anything come to mind?

I have a few unfulfilled dreams...

My first and foremost unfulfilled dream is to be a mom. That's my number one dream. I've had this dream since I was 15 years old. Of course, I wanted to be married first. Now that I've been married for over 2 years, I really want to be a mom. I want a son first then a daughter. I'm always posting on facebook that I want a baby. Not very many people realize that it's a possibility that I can't have kids because of my health. My husband really wants a baby too.

My second unfulfilled dream is to be healed of CF. Now God will have to do that one. I can't do that one by myself. I'm waiting for it though. God is going to heal me. I know it. I can feel it coming. Then after me, He's going to heal everybody else. At least I hope that's how it's going to go.

What is your unfulfilled dream? Something, anything, everything? Filling an unfulfilled dream would be amazing. I wouldn't know what it felt like because none of my dreams have come true except meeting my husband and getting married. That was a dream I'd had for a long time.

What do you want to accomplish in life? That's something to think about. What do you want in life?